Chronic dependency is one of the toughest challenges for a parent to handle with their own grown child. Moms and dads are hardwired to instinctively protect and nurture their children, but support sometimes goes too far. This guide explores six ways that parental assistance can backfire by turning into enabling. If you spot the following warning signs, then your efforts may be hurting instead of helping.
1. They Never Pay You Back
Providing economic aid is a primary job for parents, but the loaning of money should only be done with strict stipulations; otherwise, the recipient will fail to learn any valuable lessons about personal responsibility. If a previous payment has not been returned, then any future requests for cash should be greeted with a refusal. Failing to deny additional demands for money will only generate a trend of entitlement and increased expectations. All loans should be conducted with written contracts and legally enforceable terms. If they continuously neglect to return their borrowed sums, you should consider hiring a lawyer and going to court.
2. They Don’t Experience Real Repercussions
When parents continuously bail their kids out of the trouble they cause, the severity of consequences is completely lost on them. Excessively enabled children will rapidly become accustomed to having someone clean up all of their messes, which means they will be completely unable to function on their own. To avoid this fate, parents should not be afraid to let their child experience some discomfort. By letting the kid’s situation naturally worsen on its own, parents can spur them into taking actual action. Without this impetus, the children are doomed to complacent co-dependency.
3. You Make Their Decisions
If children are unable to think for themselves, then it is impossible to imagine that they would be able to do anything else. Some overprotective adults try to influence every choice that their kid makes, but this style of parenting stifles their ability to develop an original personality. It also trains children to be followers for their entire lives, so professional advancement opportunities are limited.
4. You Don’t Follow Through on Negative Reinforcement
If they find out that you have been making empty threats, your kids will never take your warnings seriously again. To stave off enabling, parents must set clear boundaries that they are willing to stick with at all costs. All ultimatums should be kept in place. If you go back on a promise to provide discipline, they will realize the lack of authority and subsequently run wild. On the other hand, parents can retain the dynamic of power by adhering to a previous assurance of punishment. After keeping your word via a delivered guarantee of ramifications, they will have no choice to do anything other than adapt.
5. You are Unable to Decline Anything
Dependent children take advantage of pushovers. Unfortunately, a lot of parents have a terribly hard time just saying the word, “No.” This sends the signal to kids that they have the affirmative to do anything they want. Sometimes, parents are trained to not decline through exposure to repeated temper tantrums or intense arguments. The solution in this case is to resort to delicate phrasing. There may still be screaming and violence, but the proper course of action is to avoid caving at all costs. By showing them that outbursts won’t get them anything, it is possible to eliminate their sense of entitlement.
6. They Lie to You
Once kids start to realize their hold on an enabling parent is slipping, they may start resorting to more devious measures. The most common method is usually deception. Parents know how to spot their children lying better than anyone, so falling for the mistruths is typically a willful act. You should avoid believing their words when actions fail to correspond.
The first step to a happy home life is maintaining established familial roles. Many moms and dads are simply trying to do the best they can, but their children are quietly manipulating them into being enablers. By watching out for the warning signs above, a peaceful balance can be created for parents and kids alike. The information for this article was provided by the legal professionals at Moses & Rooth, who specialize in juvenile criminal defense.